Mr. Bennet's Parenting Skills, or lack thereof

So, if you follow Jane Austen on Facebook (and, who doesn't!?) you'll know that they're doing a celebration of Pride and Prejudice. Yesterday's poignant and highly debatable question:

At first I had a heart felt, of course, he is...he tells Elizabeth to follow her heart and not to care about what other people think concerning Mr. Darcy. Immediately after I thought this I remember three extremely important points 1] he doesn't do this for his other daughters and is as concerned with marrying them off into nice homes as his wife is 2] he really doesn't solve any of his daughters problems, seriously he's more of a 'close the barn door after they horses get out' kind of guy and 3] he passively let's his wife make horrible decisions; that's because he doesn't understand what it means to raise daughters and it would seem that he doesn't really want to take the time.

he doesn't do this for his other daughters and is as concerned with marrying them off into nice homes as his wife

• he seems to think that his other daughters are too insipid 
• he seems to have lost all hope with ever having a true relationship with them
• he seems to have pick Elizabeth as the favorite because she is the opposite of her mother...as in she has brains and real beauty

he really doesn't solve any of his daughters problems, seriously he's more of a 'close the barn door after they horses get out' kind of guy

• he doesn't seem to take his family and his responsibilities to them seriously
• he runs away from problems...literally he retreats from them by walking about the countryside or by holing up in his library
• one word: Lydia
• oh, and other word: Kitty
• he knows Mary is too smart, but doesn't help her
• he knows that Jane is fairing well on her own

he passively let's his wife make horrible decisions; that's because he doesn't understand what it means to raise daughters and it would seem that he doesn't really want to take the time

• he would rather be amused by the outcomes than to help
• he doesn't seem to take his role as father seriously
• he'd rather entertain and be entertaining
• he doesn't love his wife and does nothing about that
• when he sees the traits his wife possesses in his daughters he doesn't try to instill in his daughters 'respect, esteem or confidence'

Conclusion: if you are Elizabeth Bennet you might think your father is top-notch, even if he is flawed, to everyone else Mr. Bennet may be the first ever fictional 'absentee father'. Is this the kind of father role model Jane Austen wanted us to see, or is his a tale of caution?

Anyway, sorry this is all sorts of bullet-pointed...I'm sure it will make someone a great start to an essay anyway!

What do you think about Mr. Bennet?

Y is for Yakkity Yak Yak Yak Yak Yak

From the second she wakes up ("Mommy, I need something to eat.") to the second she goes to bed ("I don't want to go to sleep. Don't say that!") my daughter's mouth does not close.

I suppose this isn't a bad thing, but she was so much easier to control before she became verbal. Please, don't laugh at this simple and logical response.

So, I've been reading this book...I say 'reading' because I haven't really read it all the way through. If you'll recall from "G", I actually hate books like this, but it is my go-to resource at the moment...I suppose it's because I feel like I've been especially snippy lately.

What I've learned

1. I was right...talking to kids like they're people (and, not babies) really does go a long way.
2. You can never encourage your kid enough.
3. These tips and tricks (yes, some of them really are tricks...) are a lot like those concepts I learned about in my adolescent child methods courses...wow, becoming a teacher really does pay off.
4. I do not like filling out workbooks, it makes me feel like I'm in school...I'd rather just talk about it.
5. If you give your kid time (which usually means putting off your thing and paying attention to theirs) your kid will respect you.
6. This perfect world, doesn't always happen...so, be willing to say you're sorry and mean it. It always goes a long way.
7. I enjoy talking to my daughter.

Here's a lovely little chart detailing the whole thing
Article about the book, plus mind map

Some interesting articles
How to talk to Preschoolers about sex
How to talk to Preschoolers about death
25 Ways to Talk So Children Will Listen

Other books that are in the back of my mind at all times
Cinderella Ate My Daughter
Queen Bees and Wannabes

P is for Princess

I have two confessions to make...

1] Even after reading Cinderella Ate My Daughter, I don't mind the whole Disney Princess phenomenon.

2] I love pink and dainty girl things. 

Each year the three of us received Barbies for Christmas. However, we didn't grow-up with bad body images. I think this was because our mother always told us we were beautiful. Heck, she still does. I was raised on "Cinderella" and "Sleeping Beauty". I remember when "The Little Mermaid" came out and watched "Beauty and the Beast" in the theatre. These facts did not distort my sense of reality or help me make poor choices later in life. I do believe that being enveloped in all things 'girl' and still watching shows like "The Six Million Dollar Man" and owning a large set (that I wish I still had, boy, would I be in the money!) of Matchbox cars made me the well-rounded woman I am today. I was always being told to do my best and I was never told that my dreams were impossible.

Now, let's look at those Princessess...I mean really and let's not look at them with the jaded eyes of adulthood, but in the way little girls do...

Each and every little girl that wants to be a princess can find within our Disney heroines such traits as thoughtfulness, caring, friendship, bravery, sweetness. I think it's OK that they learn these aspects of character from girls who sing to mice and worry about what they will wear to the ball. Do I like that every princess has a waist the size of a thimble? Do I like that each princess finds her prince in the end to create that 'happily ever after'? Do I like that the princesses that get the most face time are blonde? Sometimes I find these very traits quite irksome, but then I remember what I thought of the princesses when I was a kid.

I can tell you that I never noticed that:

1] in 1984 (when I was 8) that the majority of the princesses were white, or blonde.
2] those princesses weighed less than I did.
3] Disney princesses live, impossible 'fairytale' (duh!) lives.
4] the villians were always dark or alone or obese.
5] they only found worth by being noticed by their 'prince'.

I just sang the songs while playing outside in the yard.

Growing up with Barbies, Disney Princesses and other girlie stuff doesn't make little girls turn into selfish prosti-tots...it's how we, the grown-ups, present those things that determines that.

I know this to be true.

I know that I can use the Disney princesses to teach my daughter about:

1] being herself
2] standing her ground
3] altruism
4] the power of family
5] the power of friendship
6] sacrifice
7] determination
8] facing adversity
9] understanding her strengths and weaknesses
10] respecting her differences and the differences of others

Now, I can spend a large part of my time getting all worked up over the sexualization of toddlers brought about by these gals and I can go on and on about the fact that Disney is being used to sell everything including veggies or I can combat all of that by using my time to teach my daughter to have her own self-worth and how to be self-reliant and then I can let her go play in the yard in her Princess tiara and dress up gown.

I'm learning that the latter bit is a lot more fun to a two-year old.

Check out this blog post. It list six (we own three) amazing princess books...and, they aren't Disney at all!
Or, read this article titled The Lessons of the Disney Princesses...hmmm, she list wayyy more than I do!

50 Books in a Year: Book #59 Ten Things We Did (And, Probably Shouldn't Have)

I don't know how long this will last, but you can buy this for your eReader for 99 cents...

Anyway, I bought 10 Things We Did (and Probably Shouldn't Have) while waiting in the car for my mother to get finished with her shopping in BN. We were taking turns because the kiddo was asleep in the back seat; in her defense it was naptime. In our defense, one time we took her out when she wasn't fully awake yet...doing that with a baby (easy), doing that with a 12-month old (with a stroller=easy), doing that with a two-year old (stroller or not...hard as H-E-double hockey sticks!).

So, I waited, coffee in hand and surfed through the BN deals on my new Nook Tablet (Merry Christmas to me, from Christopher=husbands can be so sweet)...I ended up buying 4 YA novels each for less than a buck, one of which was this book; a book I wanted to read, but wasn't really in the mood to pay $10 for, a book I would have borrowed from a student, only I saw no student with it...

Anyway, I would have started it then and there, but the tiny person woke up and we went into the store to look at books and wait...

I started it yesterday morning and with all that was going on yesterday (2nd family, or was it 3rd?, family Christmas) I finished it yesterday evening.

Sadly, because I teach high school, I believed every word. I believed that lots of really nice girls who make good grades drink and party (I've had said nice girls in class and some of the stories I've overheard make me never want to have a teenage daughter), I also believe that teens no longer see sex as a stigma (it isn't only party girls that have sex)...I'm not sure if this is a good or bad thing, but it is, I believe that teens understand the proper use of birth control, but not how they can still contract an STD and I believe that parents busy with living their second lives (ie. life after a divorce) don't notice the teen in the room who is screaming for them to lay down some rules and laws.

I like to think of these kinds of books, these modern day YA novels that have a teen girl protagonist, as lessons for me in how to raise a teenage girl...10 lessons I learned from this book:

1] Holy WOW! teach your kids about sex. I'll be teaching my daughter that she shouldn't have sex until she's older and mature and, hopefully, married, but I will also teach her about sex and STDs et cetera, if I don't she will learn from her friends, her teachers and life...and, I will look ill-prepared and naive.

2] I will not overshare my sex life with my teenage daughter (ick!) that's why parents have friends...

3] I will talk to my daughter like she is a person, I will ask her to tell me when she thinks she is ready to have sex, so we can talk...I will do this when she is 12, although in my head that seems a little young.

4] She will know she is loved, I will tell her often. She will know she is loved even if she does things that I do not like.

5] I will never take a job that requires me to leave her without adult supervision...even if that means I put my dreams on the back burner.

6] I will not move her away from her high school and her friends, even if that means I have to turn down a job (I have always firmly believed this!), however, if for some strange reason we have to move...she, kicking and screaming and pouting and moping, is coming with us.

7] I will trust my kid, but will actually meet parents face to face. I will not trust text, emails, running showers...

8] I will not impose year long punishments.

9] I will never get rid of my daughter's pet, even if we move overseas and said pet has to be in quarantine for 6 months.

10] I will give my daughter an allowance and have her tally up how she spent said allowance at the end of every month...what a good way to learn to budget, something I never learned...

OK, so I loved this book cussing, drinking, sex and all and heck, I'd let my daughter read it. I know I would have read it when I was a 9th grader...I read Forever by Judy Blume at that age.

If you've read this book what lessons did you learn? At what age do you think it's appropriate for kids to read?

Trusting God with our kids

"But when she could hide him no longer, she got a papyrus basket for him and coated it with tar and pitch. Then she placed the child in it and put it among the reeds along the bank of the Nile."
~(NIV) Exodus 2.2-3

"Trusting God with Our Kids"
Parenting by Design

          I want to be a good mother when I grow up.
          I want my husband and I to be good parents.
          Teaching at a high school, I am bombarded with stories and, in some cases, blatant evidence of parents not being parents and children having to deal with the consequences of an adult's childish choice. I have also seen what happens when a parent is too involved in the lives of their children, for the sake of 'protection'...one of these helicopter parents even called me at my house after 10pm on my CELL PHONE (I, to this day, have no idea how she got that number) to talk about her kids' grade (her kid was making a hard-earned B-).
          As I think about Miss Lila Jane growing up, I do think about all of the things that she will experience without me and I wonder if she will make good choices. It is so cool and comforting to think about the fact that Moses' mother trusted that God would keep him safe in a basket made of reeds on the Nile River, she knew that whatever happened to him it would be in God's design...wow, what FAITH!
          My own mother has trusted that we would make the right choices, even if that meant no longer forcing me (and, boy she really did have to tackle some bull-headedness) to go to church, and when I wanted to go to church, letting me go to the church of my choosing--a church different than her own. She trusted all three of us girls to make good choices, even when we weren't and even when we don't. Now, I cannot tell a lie my mother hovers a little, still to this day (what good mother doesn't?), but I have no problem telling her to back off and I also listen to her even if I don't always do what she says. She taught me independence and strong-will when she left me in God's hands.



"...I can't handle it,
I just spend every minute running around and working
and thinking and I thought I would have help but
Sookie has Davey and Michel has Celine and I'm...
I can't do it all by myself!"



          I want my daughter to trust me and letting her make poor choices without guidance from me wouldn't build trust anymore than hovering does. I will not just let her walk all over me, I will let her know when she is doing something wrong, I will be a good parent who teaches what it means to be a good child and I will love her no matter what choices she makes.

          What will I do when my daughter wants to go to her first boy/girl party? Stays out past curfew (I didn't really have one, anyway) and doesn't call? Drives on the Interstate? Goes on vacation during college without telling me where she's going? I will take a deep breath, I will force myself not to be judgemental, I will teach her about the right choices, I will pray and I will remember that God saved Moses in the reeds on the Nile, He has her in His extremely capable hands.

          If you try to be the best parent you can be, you will fail (even Lorelai Gilmore--the coolest mom ever--struck out a time or two), but if you leave your kids with God, even when you fail He succeeds...even if that doesn't look like it at the moment.
          So, Lord I give The Tiny Person over to you...of course, when I'm being especially crazy about something she is doing or not doing, please, gently, reminded of the fact that You are way stronger than I and can take and will always take care of her. Amen.