Sunday, January 9, 2011

Alone Not Lonely

"If I'm lonely
it's with the rowboat ice-fast on the shore
in the last red light of the year
that knows what it is, that knows it's neither
ice nor mud nor winter light
but wood, with a gift for burning."
~ from "Song" Adrienne Rich

"God sets the lonely in families, he leads forth the prisoners with singing; but the rebellious live in a sun-scorched land."
~Psalm 68.6 (NIV)

Loneliness in Families

          Since, it's Sunday, I thought I'd use this time before I get up the husband and the tiny tot to do some personal reflecting.
          I read a devotional the other day titled "Lonely in Families" and I thought it was going to be about being lonely even though there are people around you all the time. It's actually about people who are in families who WANT and CRAVE alone time. I am that person, actually my husband is that person too, but I can only talk about the challenge according to how I feel, not how he feels.
          Now, when I say I want and crave alone time that doesn't mean I want time to hang out with my friends, it means I want to be in my house alone. Without anyone there. Alone. By myself. Since getting married and having a baby I have not had this time (I can actual count the hours that I've had to myself on one hand) and I used to spend whole Saturdays without anyone around. Seriously, if you tried to call or come by on a Saturday you couldn't find me, I was reluctant to answer the door. I need to be alone to detox, if you will, from being around people all week long. When I was in junior high and high school, I spent at least 20 hours a week in my room doing what my mom called, "Staring at the ceiling"...I was just relishing in the fact that I could be alone in a house full of women.
         So reading this post got me to thinking...I hadn't realized that I've been rebelling against God by trying to find time to be alone. I'm still praying about this one.
        What? For the rest of my life I will never know the deliciousness of being alone.
        You see getting married and having a kidlet wasn't really in my plans for me, but these very actions must have been in my God's plans for me and God knows (why else would I have been giving this devotional to read) that I am struggling with it. He knows that my husband and I are struggling with it.
        "God doesn't want try to take away our bent towards being solitary, but he doesn't want us to stay in that place all of the time."...You know what has happened? Out of know where, really, my husband has said, "Some weekend why don't we take Lila to go visit her grandparents, I go over to my friends and you hang out here by yourself."
        I could cry. You see, God knows...and He will never put more on you than you can bear...
        While I am looking forward to all the things I can do alone when that weekend comes, I am not waiting for it, I am not planning it...I am, instead, going to see that being the lonely person in a family is what God wants from me, so it's going to be b-e-a-utiful, no matter how painful it is for me right now.
       Have a wonderful and blessed Sunday!

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