Tuesday, January 15, 2013

How My Life in No Way Resembles that of the Illustrious Tucker Max

A Trip to KC

Occurred--January 2013
Written--January 2013

Chris' mother got remarried last weekend. Chris and I both hate weddings. Actually, until I met Chris, I didn't know someone could hate weddings more than I do. We hate dressing up, we hate the constant smiling, the being niceness, the receptions that take place in churches, I hate wearing panty-hoes and make-up...anyway, we'd been dreading the wedding for a long time, not because of the people (we love the people), but because weddings make us...itchy and, I don't know about Chris, but they also make me nervous that I'm going to screw up someone's 'best day ever' just by wearing the wrong color or sitting on the wrong side or breathing. I could tell that neither one of us were especially happy about going because it was the day for us to set out and we hadn't packed, I didn't know what I was going to wear and, because, I'd just been informed, like 2 days before, that Lila was to be in the wedding (not Chris' mother's fault; Chris' fault), we did not have a red dress. Chris didn't want to stay the whole weekend because it was supposed to snow, so we were looking at 7 hrs. of driving, plus the drive to the church, in a less than 24 hr. period. Joy.

Did I mention that I hate weddings?

Bring on the weekend.

Friday was pretty uneventful. I left school earlier than I usually do. I thought I could come home, shower and pack. Chris was already home doing those same activities, so we were just in each other's way. This, of course, made us both irritated. I did not shower. I packed every nice piece of clothing I received for Christmas (thank-you Mother). I packed about 4 different outfits for Lila. I packed my grading, my books, make-up, several different activities for Lila to be entertained in the car, snacks, Lila's blanket and Lila's pillow.

We pick up Lila from daycare, buy dinner at McDonald's and hit the road.

Chris, of course, takes the way that makes me car-sick although I have told him several times that it makes me car sick. As we pass through Sedalia, I remember happier times driving through that town to visit friends in Marshall. I fall asleep trying not to think about how much can happen in 10 years. I can live in my head a bit too much.

We arrive at Chris' mother's. I love her house. I'm not sure when it was built but it's definitely old and she has such lovely antiques. Chris' brother, wife and kids are also there. The girls run around and I drink some ginger ale. Soon everyone, except for Lila, is ready for bed. Getting her screaming self upstairs wakes up the baby. Everyone is not pleased.

The day of the wedding is best told as a timeline:

7.38a: Wake up, grade papers, read my book, waited for others to wake up.

8.05a: Go downstairs, eat some delicious fruitcake muffins.

8.30a: Lila wakes up and we go downstairs where she proceeds to play with her cousin, while eating breakfast. I go back upstairs telling the adults downstairs to come and get me if she needs anything. I both hate leaving her downstairs and love knowing that she's OK downstairs with everyone. Eventually, papers graded, I head back downstairs to take a shower...a long one, I even *gasp* shave my legs.

9ish: Chris wakes up. We realize that we have to leave at around 10ish to get Lila a dress and be at the church in time for a practice run for the flower girls. Everyone leaves the house but the three of us. We finish getting ready.

10.18a: We leave and head for the first Target on the way. It's ghetto and kind of scary. It's also under-stocked. We finally find a red dress for Lila (on clearance one size too small), headbands, hair supplies, tights, more snacks, some cute shoes on clearance and some tights for me as it is flipping freezing.

11.26a: Although the invitation said not to give a gift I feel like we should so Chris goes into Pier One and looks while Lila and I stay in the car. It's freezing out and I realize we are now running late as we are only about 1/2 through the one hour drive. I change Lila into her dress and tights while she is still in the car seat (I feel like a master).

11.48a: We look at the map and realize we are actually very close to the wedding venue, so we stop for lunch.

12.28p: We make it. I finish getting Lila ready...the flower girl head band will not fit on her head. I am OK with this when I recognize that it won't fit on her cousin's head either. There is a nursery in the church. We have to bribe Lila out of the nursery for the practice run. A lovely gentleman compliments me on how cute Lila is and how adorable she looks in red and that with her complexion she'll also look good in blue. I comment about how he is right. I thank him and ask if he'd like her for the rest of the weekend, he laughs. No one can tell I'm not joking about that.

1.??p: The wedding starts...I think horrible things like "When was the last time Lila pooped?". Her cousin throws the flowers like she's supposed to, um, Lila picks them up, puts them in her basket and dances, I mean like pirouettes and Fossi's down the aisle likes she auditioning. Everyone is laughing in a polite wedding-like manner. I look over; her father is not amused. She and her cousin stand at the pulpit a little longer than I care to think about. Lila won't sit on my lap. Chris gets a hold of her and carries her out to the nursery. As they leave, Lila is yelling, "[Cousin's name] I'm leaving you" and, the gem of the day, "I don't want to go. I want to dance." I am ashamed, but I also find her behavior funny. I can hear Chris' brother chuckling behind me. People are so good-natured at weddings. I stay for the whole thing and listen to the other kids in the pews making noises. 

2.00p: Lila wants to eat the cake before the bride and groom. We have to distract her with the punch fountain. I comment about the fact that this is the first reception I've been to in a church in awhile. My sister-in-law agrees. We have some sort of apple juice, ginger ale, spicy, cranberry juice punch. It taste like Christmas. Actually the whole reception reminds me of Christmas. After the girls run around like chickens with their heads cut off, I gladly corral them into the nursery. I watch the children and read my book.

3.00p: Chris says we should head out. We make our way out of the nursery. His new father-in-law comments on how spunky Lila is...I say she can come visit them at any time. We pack up the car. They give us extra food from the reception...cheese, crackers and salami...we are winners!

3.38p: I look at the clock in the car and we are actually on the road 38 minutes after we initially said we were going to leave. What did we do with that 38 minutes? Chris ask where we're going to eat dinner. I don't know how he can even be thinking about his next meal as I am full of cake and cheese and punch. I ignore him, but not the weather as it's beginning to snow. Chris begins to complain about the snow and driving and staying too long at the reception. I tell Chris that he isn't allowed to talk unless he is saying something positive or helpful. After we see several cars in the ditch or sideways in the median, he looks over the edge on my side of the road and questions, "Wouldn't it be horrible if we swerved off into that ditch?". I calmly say, "That comment was neither positive nor helpful."

4.30p: It's dark and snowy and slushy. Lila is asleep. We're debating on whether we should pull over or turn around. Chris says we're too far away from his mom's to turn around. I say that we are closer to his mom's than to our home. While he concedes to this logical train of thought we do not turn around.

5.45p: It takes 2 hrs. to travel to Warrensburg, but we can tell it's getting clearer. We press on.

6.32p: We hit Sedalia. Lila wakes up. She's hungry. The windshield wipers do not work. The one that doesn't work on my side, is, in fact, hitting a patch of ice. Chris keeps on asking what the noise is and I keep on saying that it's a patch of ice. He, obviously, does not believe me. My butt hurts from sitting. We debate about the fact that it feels like we are coming out of the worst of it or whether we should get a room at some place in Sedalia. Chris says that we are going to keep driving until we wreck or get home, whichever comes first. I'm glad that he cannot see me roll my eyes.

7.30p: I wake up from a nap because Chris has slammed on the brakes (there are idiot drivers around us...seriously, who pulls out into the highway in front of a car during an ice-ish storm?) I've been drooling. Lila is hungry.

7.35p: We stop at a Bull's Eye for delicious gas station (no hit of sarcasm, for real, I love gas station chicken) chicken and potato wedges. Lila will not eat them. She will, however, eat the stale goldfish crackers and chocolate milk from earlier. Chris cleans off the windshield using his bare hands, he flicks off lots of ice...hmmm...I wonder if the noise will stop, if it doesn't I will never hear the end of it. I get out of the car to throw away some of the trash. The car is covered in a sheet of ice, I can hardly see the tires as they are trapped in an ice shield.

7.40p: The windshield wipers have stopped making that horrible sound. I win. I do not tell him this. It doesn't feel like the right time.

7.42p: Lila eats the chicken and then asks for more.

7.43p: The 'Whys?' begin..."Why is that car driving in front of us?" "Why aren't you stopping? Daddy, red means 'Stop'." "Why do cars have red brake lights?" "Why is it ice?" "Why is it snowing?" Why is it dark?" "Why are we going home?" "Why are you drinking diet soda?" "Why do I have to stop kicking the seat?" "Why did you put that crunchy bag over there?" "Why can't I bang on it?"

"Can I play with the Nook?"
"I don't want to go back to sleep."

I hand her the Nook.

7.55p: By now we're just driving through rain.

8.35p: We're home. It's been a long day. Lila won't go to bed. I change her into her pajamas and go to the bedroom to read.

I don't have any pictures.

I'm pretty sure that if Lila doesn't want to get married we'll cheer. I'm also pretty sure that if she wants to get married we'll pay her to elope. I'll tell her that I hear Vegas is a great place to get married while stuffing hundred-dollar bills in her pocket. I'll end with, "Hey, Vegas worked for us, it can work for you!".

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