Monday, February 3, 2014

Women Stop Slamming Other Women to Get Your Point Across. The End.

Of course, I was raised by and have grown up
with some pretty powerful and strong women
who have done it all without complaint.
Ok, so I first read this very long list of articles when I saw the link on Yahoo ("Um, yes, Yahoo is where I get my news," she says sheepishly). I was not shocked by anything that Amy Glass says in her article, frankly, I still think some of those things after having a husband and a kid. I am tired of people accepting and making me do less because I have a family at home. Having a family should not be an excuse for not doing your job at the best of your ability, having a family does not take away my drive or ambition. I am not anything less than the person I already am. I just have a kid that gets 100% of my time, but not all the time. I loved this quote from The Awakening before I got pregnant and I love it even more now that my kid is four years old.
"I would give up the unessential; I would give my money, I would give my life for my children, but I wouldn't give myself." 
And, truly "myself" belongs to me.

But, I digress.

Here's a link to the original post, some of it can be quite harsh, but, as she suggest in her follow up post (Is The Point of Having Kids Just to Not Be Lonely?) and as your preacher suggest every Sunday morning, if there's something that makes you feel guilt/upset/unhappiness/anger think about why it does. So, here's the link and the most controversial of the quotes with my two cents. I mean quotes not counting the already quite controversial and scathing title. Then after this are some responses with my two cents. Enjoy!?

I Look Down On Young Women With Husbands And Kids And I'm Not Sorry

Me and my sisters
  • Every time I hear someone say that feminism is about validating every choice a woman makes I have to fight back vomit. I think it is about every choice a woman makes, but I understand what she is saying as there are women who blindly commit to what they feel is right without taking into account their own happiness. That has been the plight of women all along. The problem is that there are women who feel that women are incomplete UNTIL they get married and have kids, as if that's our only purpose (even God says otherwise) and there are some women that feel they have done something horrible if they SUCCUMB to marriage and kids. They feel their lives are meant for something more. There is no more, but there also is no less. If we are doing what we know to be right and we are not acting like martyrs about that fact. We are being strong females.
  • Do people really think that a stay at home mom is really on equal footing with a woman who works and takes care of herself? "Equal footing" Yes. Better than? No. Less than? No.
  • Having kids and getting married are considered life milestones. We have baby showers and wedding parties as if it’s a huge accomplishment and cause for celebration to be able to get knocked up or find someone to walk down the aisle with. These aren’t accomplishments, they are actually super easy tasks, literally anyone can do them. They are the most common thing, ever, in the history of the world. They are, by definition, average. And here’s the thing, why on earth are we settling for average? Frankly, I said this very thing while I was pregnant, "Please don't make me have a Shower, anyone can get pregnant, let's not celebrate it." I know you might this ironic, but I'm actually a very private person. I don't need my personal accomplishments blasted all over for them to be accomplishments. I know they are and that's all that matters. I mean I got married in Vegas for pete sakes and am not upset that only a handful of people came. I didn't get married for people. I got married for me. Were the
    Showers fun? Sure. But, I hate that now because of it there are people who think "Wow, Stephanie has a softer side/cries/has feelings." I always had those feelings, I don't have to show them for them to exist. I don't have to have a kid for you to know that I work hard, am caring, thoughtful, value my time with my friends and my family. 
    Average? I know that in the USA we seem to only think of things in black and white and if a woman is a successful person she must hate kids and family and if she's a stay at home mom (SAHM) she must not have any drive or life goals. Why can't we have both? I think the main thing is 'settling' I hope that no woman settles into having a career if she wants to be a SAHM and I hope that women are SAHMs by choice. Honestly, some women are so bitter or so pontificating in how happy they must be that I wonder. Don't forget 'choice' means you can change your mind.
  • I want to have a shower for a woman when she backpacks on her own through Asia, gets a promotion, or lands a dream job not when she stays inside the box and does the house and kids thing which is the path of least resistance. Single Women Showers happen all the time. Women buy their own diamonds all the time. Throw a shower for your friend for any of these things. Ask me to plan it and I'll say "No." Ask me to attend and I probably won't, but my married friends can attest, I barely make it to weddings, showers et cetera ( I barely made it to my own--but that's a different story or two)'s all equal in my eyes.
  • You will never have the time, energy, freedom or mobility to be exceptional if you have a husband and kids. Not true, it just means you never sleep. I miss sleep. However, I have chosen this life. To quote a former student and younger sister to a dear friend, "I do what I want." That means that sometimes I start writing a blog post at 5am or I read a book while the husband entertains (sometimes is forced to entertain) the kid in the living room. It means there are weeks when I'm not home because I have to get the magazine put to bed or I have to go to a conference. It means that most of the time the husband cooks dinner if he wants it before 7.30p (which is when I'd have it). It means that Saturday Work days with the journalism kids means I bring my kid. It means that when I work on Sunday afternoons I usually bring the kid. (Of course, all that means is that the husband 'gets' more free time than me, but I'm not hating, I would like it to be reciprocal, but at the same time I LOVE being around my kid, she's funny and smart and great to talk to). It's not selfish. We both have a kid. We both must be equally responsible about that. Equally. We both must give up some of our personal time as a sacrifice sometimes to the other and sometimes to the kid. It is a sacrifice. I don't have to be a martyr about it. It's what good parents (stay at home or otherwise) do. It's what I want to do. It's not only mothers who have this duality though. Single women play dual roles (I remember thinking I spent too much time at work and so on...), and so do, I've never asked the husband if he wants me to take the kid everywhere I go, I just do because I want to because I'd miss her. Maybe he doesn't want to work on the car/drink beer/watch TV as much as I think he does. Maybe he misses her too.
  • I hear women talk about how “hard” it is to raise kids and manage a household all the time. I never hear men talk about this. It’s because women secretly like to talk about how hard managing a household is so they don’t have to explain their lack of real accomplishments.
    Me and the person I would give my life for.
    Hmmm...maybe this is the reason I never talk about it, maybe this is the reason I sometimes resent those that do and I sometimes resent those who think I work too hard because I should be a 'mother' more. Managing a household is hard, my mother did it without a husband, but she had lovely sisters and parents to help her more than I realized at the time. I go back to the black and white thing. We don't have to bash women who manage a household to raise up those who do not. We can have it both ways. I do think there are women out there who like to show you their martyrdom no matter if it's at work or at home. It's not because they think they are doing less, it's not because they lack real accomplishments, it's because they are whiny. Um, there are whiny men too! Duh! God gave you a job, now do it!
  • Women will be equal with men when we stop demanding that it be considered equally important to do housework and real work. Women will be equal with men when we value our work regardless of what it is. When we understand that we each have different roles and different ways we play out those roles. Candace Cameron Bure isn't entirely off her rocker. I'm a firm believer that when a man is fulfilling his role, than a woman can fulfill hers. When we work together to raise one another up, when we stop creating our own dividing line we can be a unified whole. Women are not less than when they are married or have kids. Women are not less than when they aren't in control of everything and men aren't less than when they listen to and understand and are sensitive to women. Neither are women.

Dear Feminazi Amy Glass

This one has some wonderful points You see, there should never be a comparison of a woman who decides to devote herself to her family and the importance of a sound structured home life to a woman who devotes herself to her work and taking care of herself.  Both are equally respectable choices for an individual to make. Your mistake, in my opinion, is deciding that one should be better than the other.

True... Ms. Glass, some women choose to stay at home to raise a family because they feel their sacrifice to do so is important to them, not you. 

True... Have you ever considered that for some women their “dream job” as you called in your blog is to raise a family? Who are you Ms. Glass to suggest that she is wrong to feel that way?

What??? I’m going to go out on a limb here and suggest you are a liberal. I say this because some liberal females (not all) suggest this type of “feminism” to the extreme as if the many possibilities of a woman’s choice don’t exist.  

Back to some loveliness... 
You know Ms. Glass, I have a friend who chose to remain single and owns her own business as a career, but her focus is not whether or not she remains single or decides to marry and start a family, but simply to do her best each day for herself and those who are important.

OK, fine... It’s called having mutual respect. You might want to try that philosophy sometime; it may just get you further in life.
Surround yourself with
strong women. That's what
I always say...
And, the bite is back! P.S.  My apologies if you are actually a world renowned scientist who has found a cure for cancer and just writes a pithy blog on her spare time criticizing random people whose choices have nothing to do with you.

I Look Down On Women Who Troll Women with Husbands and Kids and I'm Not Sorry

Again, I agree, but do we have to cut one woman (or, women who think like her) to elevate our point? Amy gets an A for writing some rage-bait, and an F for her opinion.
Saying that women who choose to be moms and wives rather than being a doctor or an engineer are not as important as women who do choose those paths isn’t a new notion, it’s something that women contemplate and struggle with and face everyday. 
Why the dis at the end? We hear you Amy, but it’s not like we haven’t heard it a gazillion times before, by writers a lot more eloquent than you.
Why the dis at the end? I love me some ragey click bait. ...And I think every woman should be allowed to have her opinion, no matter how “wrong” and misguided I feel their opinion is.
Really? It’s fine that this writer doesn’t see raising a family as being valuable. As someone raising a family I feel differently. But I just can’t muster the energy to care about fighting this notion when I have laundry to do.
Um, do you? To me that’s a lot more important that arguing with someone bloviating on the internet.

I Feel Sorry for Amy Glass and I'm Not Ashamed

And, this one, why so hateful? At the end of it, I want to apologize to Amy Glass. Heck! I want to apologize to every woman I know... First of all, getting married and having kids ARE milestones. Not everyone can do either, even fewer can do both. Well ok, let’s compromise. Pretty much anyone can GET married. It’s STAYING married that takes commitment and the ability to put someone else’s needs above your own. Clearly divorce rates show that this is not as easily achieved as one might think.
As for having babies, roughly half of the worlds population lacks the actual biological components, and those who do have the correct parts are not guaranteed an ability to produce a child. Add in the fact that a growing number of women abort their children and your total number of women who can successfully bring a baby to term has been significantly decreased.
Ok, we get it without having to go here... Based on your article I will assume you have been unable to do either, so maybe it’s not as easy as you think.
Or, here...ouch, really, ouch. Shorter version is, tomorrow I could become a writer and replace you. It might take an hour or two to learn about what you do, but the fact is you are easily replaceable. I am not. You could not replace me. You don’t have the skills. And when the Zombie apocalypse hits and skills other than ‘writing‘ are necessary, you’re getting left outside the fence. Try not to get eaten. 

Society Still Needs Family Women

Starts off so much in my head and then...Many mothers today have a career, and there is nothing wrong with that. A strong woman will be able to balance taking their child to soccer practice with all of the other aspects of life that are thrown at her on a daily basis. 
Not we really need to compare? Aren't they both just being the best versions of themselves? A woman who decides to stay at home to take care of the home, to take care of the children, and to take care of everyone’s needs is stronger than any CEO of any large company in this world. 
Who wants to deny this kid that she can do it all???
And, I loathe the proliferation of stereotypes to prove a point...the role of men has changed. It has changed and is still trying to adapt to this 'modern woman'... The women who have raised children know what I am talking about. They have witnessed and experienced life in ways that men cannot even dream. Men are conditioned to get a job, take care of the family, come home, and do it against the next day. They are the protectors of the family from outside forces that may be too much for the women and children to handle on their own. This is what society sees the male in a relationship as. That has not really changed much with time, but the role of the woman has and has grown to be the person who stays at home to cook and clean to the person who cooks, cleans, buys clothes, buys food, works for her own money, and helps when the bills come in the mail...
Really? I'm not sure why somebody needs to experience it to understand it. I think we need to talk about the joys of both more. The woman who can juggle work outside the home with everything else in the home may just be the true master of the castle, so to speak. The woman who puts down other women for wanting a family does not see the joy that those women get because that woman has yet to experience it. She has not experienced the love of someone else, the joy of giving birth to a child, or raising a family like many women today still do. 
Really? Those children grow up to be parents themselves, and who is the first person they think back to when they are trying to figure out how to raise their own child or how to juggle all of life’s responsibilities at one time?
Their mother!

I Think People Without Kids Have Empty Lives and I'm Not Sorry About It

Um, who says? I never thought of myself as the kind of person who judges other people’s choices. But after spending enough of my life with kids and without, I can’t deny what I really feel: It’s a perfectly fine choice to never become a parent, but there is absolutely no chance that your life will be as full or meaningful, or that you will learn as many essential truths about existence, as you would if you had kids.

True, but you can have empathy, and don't we all need a little more of that?! (and, let's add "until you've" become a teacher, doctor, lawyer, policemen, person of the opposite sex, different race, different religion and so on...) There are certain truths about life that you literally cannot know until you’ve become a parent. 

You are not less a person because you cannot do the are not more of a person if you can... Watching a new life come to exist and seeing your child discover everything for the first time, from their nose to snow to seeing Terminator for the first time, and develop language and social skills and the first time they feel an emotion for the first time and you see all of that and a million other thing happen organically…when you get to see first hand what feelings and thoughts and personality traits occur naturally, what we’re born with versus what we are taught…literally every moment of being a parent, if you’re thoughtful and observant, is a mind-blowing opportunity to learn the most basic things about what it means to be human. There is not a single other thing you can do in your life that gives you access to that. 

Why? I don’t think people are somehow bad or wrong for not having kids – I just think it’s really, deeply sad. I feel tremendously sad for them.

Judging Other People Does Not Make You Exceptional: An Open Letter to Amy Glass

And, just, well, just ouch. If you keep this up, the only real impact you will have on the world when you die is the grass, if any, that chooses to grow on your grave. And instead of having “Loving Friend, Wife, and Mother” written on your gravestone, it will just be your name. And every person who passes by your grave will never remember your accomplishments, because you were too busy judging everyone else to make a real difference. 

Me and some of the non-judgmental women in my life.

So to sum it all up: Seriously, I think Amy Glass and I could be friends, we'd have lots to argue about and, um, she'd keep me on my toes and, hopefully that would be reciprocal.  I'm not sure how I feel about the women who've written their responses...I'm not sure that fighting fire with fire is the answer here, or ever really. Let's be honest with ourselves, Amy Glass wrote this post so those that are the opposite of her would bite and bite they did. 

After reading all of those articles I just felt overwhelmed and a little sad for the state of womanhood today. I think we could all use a good dose of empathy. Maybe Amy Glass just needs more friends who have families who don't make their families seem like a sacrifice they and only they alone against the world can make, maybe we need to spend less time talking down to her and her view points and more time examining our own because, wow, all I'm feeling is so far is a lot of woman on woman hate, and that includes you Amy Glass! Honestly, women, let's stop bashing other women to get our point across. Let's hang out more. Let's talk to one another about our lives, our successes, our failures, our children, our love lives more. Let's put the 'shoe on the other foot' and stop hating. Let's be the most successful versions of ourselves and let's push other women to do the same. 


  1. Wow! In my misguided, rose-colored-glasses view, I thought this issue was over, and we were all free to do what we want. That's the whole purpose, right?

    I agree about women bolstering each other up rather tearing each other down. Thanks for this informative post.

    1. i'm pretty sure i love your pithiness! :D and, absolutely, sweet freedom! and, you are very welcome, love discussing this kind of stuff! :D

  2. Well said. As a mother of two, and a husband who contributed all along the way when he could, I applaud your audacity to counter Amy's points! It's a life choice, as you say, and sometimes it's a money choice. It can be done, and yes, I sacrificed sleep, reading and writing, but I was doing other things, making memories for our kids. I love strong women too, some of us have to be.

    1. yes! yes! yes! and, thanks for the applause! i didn't realize i was being audacious! :D and, i agree it is a money choice sometimes, which is sad. i hate that economy stops us from being our true selves. strong women, unite! :D



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